Children who can name their feelings are often better able to manage them. Parents help build this skill in ordinary conversations long before a crisis.
Name feelings in everyday moments
Use feeling words often: happy, sad, angry, frustrated, nervous, disappointed, proud, embarrassed. Name your child's feelings when you see them ("You look disappointed that the game was cancelled") and your own ("I felt frustrated in traffic, so I took some deep breaths"). Books and shows are a low-pressure way to talk about how characters feel.
Listen in a way that keeps them talking
Give full attention. Put the phone down and turn toward your child.
Reflect back what you hear before offering solutions: "So it sounds like you felt left out at lunch."
Accept the feeling even when you do not accept the behavior. "It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit."
Resist fixing everything. Sometimes a child just wants to be heard. You can ask, "Do you want help, or do you just want me to listen?"
Stay calm if what they say worries you, so they feel safe telling you more.
Good times to talk
Many children, especially teenagers, talk more easily side by side than face to face: in the car, while cooking, walking the dog or at bedtime. Short, frequent conversations often work better than one big talk.
By age
Young children may show feelings through play and behavior more than words. Simple feeling words, pictures of faces and play can help.
School-age children can learn to rate how strong a feeling is and to choose a calming strategy, such as breathing, moving, drawing or talking.
Teenagers want more privacy and may talk to friends first. Keep showing interest without pushing, respect their views, and make it clear they can come to you about anything.
Teach calming skills
Practice skills when your child is calm, so they can use them when upset: slow breathing (in through the nose, out slowly through the mouth), counting, squeezing and relaxing muscles, a calm-down corner, or a walk. Praise them when they use a skill on their own.
When conversations are hard
If your child seems unable to talk about what is bothering them, or if feelings seem overwhelming and long-lasting, a therapist can help. Therapists who work with children use play, drawing and games to help children express what is hard to say.
Tantrums and Meltdowns: A Guide for ParentsWhy young children have tantrums, how to respond in the moment, how to prevent them, and when frequent outbursts are worth discussing with a doctor.
Building Healthy Self-Esteem in ChildrenWhat healthy self-esteem is, signs of low self-esteem, and everyday ways parents can help children feel capable, accepted and resilient.
This guide is general information, not medical or psychological advice. For questions about your child, talk with a pediatrician or a licensed mental health professional. In a crisis in the US, call or text 988 or call 911; elsewhere, call your local emergency number.